Okay, Tim, I took your stupid dare. I watched Pokemon and Digimon until I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head. Three, four hours. It was brutal. But I did the list. I did it. It's done.
Now it's YOUR turn. I want to see your "Ten Great Things About Seven of Nine That Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Sex," and I want to see it YESTERDAY.
Ahem.
Ways to tell apart the two anime series with huge media tie-ins that end in "mon" and feature exotic monsters whaling the tar out of each other for the benefit of their "human" masters:
10. INTELLIGENCE OF THE TRAINER. Okay, well, both Pokemon and Digimon trainers tend to be a few cards short of a custom CCG deck, but Pokemon trainers OUGHT to be significantly smarter. They have to start surviving on their own before even getting to junior high, for Odin's sake. I mean, shut up about the Digi-Destined. All those kids need to be able to do is carry around a hypercute, occasionally legless critter, and sometimes pitch a Rolex at it. Pokemon trainers at LEAST have to know something ABOUT their animals if they want to get them to do any damage. Pokemon
9. INTELLIGENCE OF THE CRITTER. On the flip-side, though, those Digimon are PhDs compared to the Pokemon. And they generally ARE smarter than their trainers, which makes me wonder if the Digi-Destined aren't just cheap, glorified chauffeurs for the rookie Digimon. Digimon
8. PORTABILITY. I don't know if Professor Oak tapped into malletspace or a TARDIS or what, but those Pokeballs are awfully convenient. I mean, first you shrink a critter that could be the size of a large building to fit inside a wiffle ball, then shrink THAT down into a marble. Granted, it'd kick to be able to carry an entire arsenal in my shirt pocket, but you've gotta wonder about the chiropractor bills. Pokemon
7. VOCABULARY. One word. "Pikachu." And sometimes, just for variety, "Pika," "Chu," and "Pi." We're thinking that with special My-Fair-Lady-style speech therapy, Pikachu might advance to the point where he can say "Kachu." Digimon have a much more admirable vocabulary than those parroting little Pokemon ... Meowth and MewTwo being the only real exceptions to the rule (and not coincidentally, the only Pokemon that can go long stretches without being annoying). I mean, you don't even see that little flower-headed Digi-gnome Palmon running around yelling, "Pal! Pal!" Even the random Digimon-du-jour have a bigger vocabulary than that little Togepi twit -- and yet everyone loves him. Digimon
6. EVOLUTION. Ever notice how "Pokemon" runs those "Very Brady Evolution" episodes? When the kidlets thought that Bulbasaur MIGHT evolve, it's a fraggin' national holiday. Now, "Digimon" and evolving is like "Revolutionary Girl Utena" and duels ... the episode isn't over until it's happened at LEAST once. And the CG-animated, kanji-filled transformation is a lot more interesting then having the critter start glowing randomly. Digimon
5. VULNERABILITY. In this corner, Onix: big bad Pokemon made of boulders. In THAT corner, Squirtle, a tiny blue ... squirting turtle. Who wins? SQUIRTLE. Because why? "Rock Pokemon are weak against water." Shut up.
I realize the whole Pokemon thing is partly based on David-vs-Goliath, but some people miss the point of that story. David had a SLING, and he knew how to USE it. He did not win because Goliath was "weak against rock."
If there were any justice in the Pokeuniverse, Onix would squinch that thing like a grape. But if a Digimon looks tough, odds are it is. You don't see Weregarurumon getting knocked over with a leaf because "Wolf Digimon are weak against plants," do you? Digimon
4. TOUCHY-FEELINESS. Okay, let's not lie. Both breeds are touchy-feely. And it's painful to watch. But which would you rather have your sentient critter doing: consoling you with actual useful advice, or repeating its name to you sympathetically? Granted, Pokemon emotions seem to be more useful in the long run, considering they can apparently decide the life and death of their trainer. What if Pikachu were brought up to be the "strong, silent" type? When Ash died, he would have been determined to be strong, to make Ash proud from beyond the grave... and so he wouldn't have started crying... and the tears wouldn't have saved Ash... and... ahhhh... no more Ash. We came so close... Digimon
3. COMMAND PERFORMANCE. You know, there's got to be some sort of reassurance in knowing that your Pokemon will always do what's in YOUR best interest (unless you're a crappy trainer, in which case you don't deserve anything capable of destruction, anyway). Digimon, on the other hand, seem to like obeying their own whims and inner feelings. I ask you, what good is a powerful sidekick critter unless they obey your every command? Once again, who is really RUNNING the show, here, the Digimon or the Digi-Dimbulbs? Pokemon
2. DISTINCTIVENESS. Digimon have that little added advantage of getting to be one-of-a-kinds. In other words, we're not going to have two Lilymons throwing the same attack at each other. Pokemon, on the other hand ... well, we did see the (cough) expert handling of Ditto-as-Bulbasaur vs. Bulbasaur. But on the other hand, let's not forget Ash and Ninja's "battle" ... standing about all afternoon seeing whose Metapod could get harder. (Don't say it, Tim.) Digimon
1. MARKETING. All right. All right. I HATE cute. But I am a role-player, and role-players can stand outside their own personalities. So if I pretend for just one moment that I do not hate cute, I must say that Pokemon are... cuter. Which means they're going to have a much easier time boring their way into the skulls of unsuspecting munchkins the world over. I mean, what would most kids rather have on your backpack: a cute little rat-thing with rosy cheeks, or a giant avenging angel with a kick-ass sword?... Actually... come to think of it... Digimon
So Digimon pretty much carry the day, 7-3. But don't worry, guys, *I* still hate you both equally.
 |