Bottom 10 Names In (Or Related To) Science Fictionon December 7th, 2010
As usual with these lists, this is something I pulled out of my keister that’s barely masquerading as authoritative. I just picked what sounded progressively dumbest to me! Make your additions and corrections in the comments.
10. Dick Grayson. Even among all the comic-book hero names that were only picked because Stan Lee couldn’t remember them without alliteration, “Dick Grayson” stands out, because, you know, “Dick,” and because “He’s like the SON of the GRAY-costumed Batman! GET IT HO HO HO HEE HEE HO!” Seriously, I have an easier time accepting “Victor Von Doom.”
9. Guy Gardner. Generally I’m fond of this character, but when his writers liked to riff on his name, they really, reeeeeally liked to. As in “Damn right I’m the guy! I’m THE Guy! I’m GUY GARDNER!” It was classy of John Broome to name the character after Gardner Fox, but given the character’s somewhat conservative leanings, even “Fox Gardner” would lead to some better jokes.
8. Kal-El Cage. At least Guy is fictional. This kid has to go through life with Superman’s birth name. It seems like Nicolas Cage had the best of intentions, but, y’know, so did those guys who told Jor-El to stop studying rocket science and focus on a field that would be around forever, like geology.
7. Melvin Frohike. Really, now, X-Files supporting character. It’s like you’re calling the schoolyard bullies and the male-pattern-baldness-mocking adults to you all at once.
6. S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh, not the acronym, that’s kind of cute. What it stands for, though, is either Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division, Strategic, Hazard Intervention, Espionage Logistics Directorate or Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Or, possibly, Securing Human Intelligence and Enforcing Lawful Dissemination. This has naturally given rise to S.W.O.R.D. and H.A.M.M.E.R., with similarly retro-engineered awkwardspeak backing them up. I know this is kind of realistic given how our government loves cute acronyms, but… do we have to be as dumb as real life is?
5. Unobtainium. No! We can be much dumber. This name is used in thought experiments as a comical name that no one would ever actually use in day-to-day life. Also used with a completely straight face in the films The Core and Avatar, to describe a metal that has, at least at some point, been obtained.
4. Count Dooku. I could give this to several Lucas-generated names– General Grievous, Jar Jar Binks, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul. Even “Darth Vader,” “Han Solo” and “Luke Skywalker” are not what you call “subtle.” But seriously, when the most exciting action scene in your movie involves Yoda fighting someone whose name is essentially “Captain Doodypants,” you’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.
3-2. Yubiseiharukana Tanaka and Yubiseiakikana Tanaka. These are actual names from an actual game that was really published. But since Yubiseiakikana was a major protagonist and her name was a LITTLE CLUNKY, they renamed her “You.” Yes. Her freaking name is “You.” “Hey, You!” “What is You doing?” “Why, You!”
1. Sy Fy. Duh.
Okay, what did I miss?